I Can Because SHE Can

This weekend I had a moment of clarity. I realized I’ve learned more from my ten year-old daughter than she may ever learn from me. I know I had originally planned to discuss easing into exercise in this post, but thanks to my sparkling little girl, I have something more inspiring to share.

My daughter is everything I was not as a child. She is adventurous. She is fearless, and she is extremely self-confident. Emma does things without hesitation - now, at ten - that I am only beginning to find the courage to try. I am grateful to her for the example she’s set for me, and I am proud to be her mom. Because she is part of ME, I know that somewhere inside me lies a really spirited, confident girl. All I have to do is let go of my fear, and let her out. Emma’s boundless energy was the inspiration for my first large weight loss in 2003, now her enthusiasm and encouragement are pushing me to finish what I’ve started and finally find the me I want to be.

Many of my friends know that Emma and I are blessed to be part of a very active Girl Scout troop. Dogwood Service Unit Troop 10365 has been together since the girls were in kindergarten. Now that they are in fourth grade, we’ve had five years of fun with these ladies. We’ve watched them grow and change and have tried our hardest to give them exciting opportunities both to learn and to just have fun, and for the past four years, along with other field trips and outings, like good Girl Scouts, we’ve taken them “camping.”

***“Camping” – as defined by Girl Scout Troop 10365 (and me) ***

"Camping" is traveling to a place where most activities are performed in The Great Outdoors. Sleeping bags are required but will be placed atop a mattress (of some sort) on a bunk in some kind of cabin or lodge, preferably air-conditioned, but not necessarily. EXCELLENT“camping” experiences require that staff members (not Girl Scout Leaders or other mothers) be on hand to prepare (and clean up) any and all meals and build the fire required for the nightly bonfire and oh-so-necessary s’mores consumption. If staff members are on hand to plan and lead activities – all the better.

So yeah, sleeping in tents on the solid ground and pottying behind a tree is not our idea of a good time, but you can still commune with Mother Nature and get your Outdoor Adventure Girl on while enjoying a few of the comforts of home. The first year we went "camping," all the leaders (myself included) got a raging case of poison ivy from crawling under a tree that had fallen in the woods. Yeah, that was awesome. Outdoor adventure at its finest.

This past weekend’s “camping” experience, however, was more than awesome. It was inspiring – at least to me (and hopefully to a few of our girls). I do have to preface this by saying that we took the girls to what has to be the NICEST “camp” I have ever visited, and I’ve been to a few. Victory Ranch not only provides summer camp experiences for children but also plays host to various corporate retreats and group events such as ours. One does not “rough it” at Victory Ranch, but one has one heck of a good time!

There’s a waterslide and a “blob” and other fun activities down by the lake. They have a pool and horses and a number of ropes courses and countless other amenities stretching over their beautiful 500 acre property. It is a place to visit if you enjoy outdoor fun, or if you have an adventurous side – which I do not, but my daughter does. This place is right up her alley. The camp motto is “Krateo” meaning: “Hold On!” There’s a reason for that.

I'm usually not keen on the "camping" experiences. It's just never been my thing, but this year was different. This year, I went to “camp” with a lot of confidence. I felt a lot better about myself and my abilities than I ever have in the past. I was ready to jump in there, to participate and be an encouraging example to the girls. I even brought my bathing suit! I was the only mom to don one and jump in the lake with the kids (at 9:30 AM in the 50 degree, overcast, windy weather – the water was warmer than the air)! Granted, I got a massive case of the teeth-chattering chills, but despite that, I even zoomed down the waterslide.

That's not me. That's Emma. She'd been the first one in line. She made it look fun, so why shouldn’t I give it a try? It was fun! In fact, it was downright exhilarating! Although it may seem second nature to many, just this water-front activity is more than I would’ve dared do a year ago. I didn’t do it as a kid, so doing it all as an adult is foreign territory.

But that same kid who made the waterslide look fun also made the Zip-N-Dip look cool, too. That’s the zip line that starts about 10-15 feet above the waterslide and sends riders out across the lake, finishing in the water in front of the man-made beach. I’ve never ridden a zip line before, but I figured the harness could hold me now. I wouldn’t look like a TOTAL idiot. If the kid can do it, I can, right? It didn’t look that high – from the ground.

Oh, did I mention that I am terrified of heights? No? Yes. I am, and I do not use the word “terror” lightly. There is “fear,” and there is “terror.” They are NOT the same thing. I have been in situations before where my TERROR of heights has rendered me truly motionless. Granted, that happened when I was a teenager, but I have simply avoided such situations since then. I do not ride roller coasters that send you straight up, straight down or upside down. I abhor the sensation of falling, even a little. I mean, I’m not a total dud -I love anything that spins or goes really fast (or spins really fast – I LOVE THAT!). But I do NOT “do” heights or drops. Just thinking about it’s making me queasy even now.

So suddenly, I found myself in a harness, carrying a huge pulley on a rope up and up and up and up and up and up this rickety, swaying flight of wooden stairs. I was already shivering from the cold, so I figured no one noticed just how nervous I truly was as I stepped out onto the platform. Then this cute young guy named Frank hooked me up to the line, told me to sit down into the harness, counted backwards from three, opened a little door and said, “OK, pick your feet up and off you GO!” My feet went nowhere.

Motionless, I stared out over the water at the other moms over on the beach. I tried not to look down. I asked myself what my problem was. The kids are doing it! Girl, you can run six miles in an hour now…what’s the big deal with this? Feet still weren’t moving. Frank said, “You’ve already done the hardest part just sitting down. This happens all the time, but I promise, it’s gonna be ok. Just pick your feet up and off you'll go.” My mind knew he was right, but the bod, she still wasn’t moving.

Then I hear Emma behind me. She’d come back up for her third turn. I hear her excited voice that sounds a lot like mine saying, “Mom. Mom, are you OK? Mom? It’s OK. It’s great. There’s no drop, I promise! It’s AWESOME! It’s fun! Just let go, you’ll love it!! You can do it, Mom! I know you can.” Then I remembered what I’d told myself back down on the ground, “Your kid can do it. You can do it.” I looked over at Emma and said, “You know what, Baby Girl? You’re right.” The feet lifted, and off I went.

If it wasn’t for the prospect of getting wet and then starting the whole shivering thing all over again, I would’ve done that zip line again and again and again. She was right. It WAS awesome!

The next one? Eh, not so much.

By that afternoon, I figured I had this adventure thing licked. I was ready to tackle whatever Victory Ranch had to throw at me (provided there were no free-falls). I was telling my other mom friends how great the zip line was and how they should do it. I was trying to encourage some of the more timid girls (younger versions of me) to build their confidence by trying something new. “If I can do it, you can do it! I totally understand. I’m terrified of this stuff!!”

So when we got suited up for the three-faced rock wall and looked up at the hydraulic zip line, 50 feet in the air, I had no fear. I was excited. Emma and I were on an adventure together, and we were going to kick butt!!

SHE kicked butt. SHE was fantastic! She climbed that wall like a pint-sized Peter Parker. This was the thing she'd been waiting for. The girl loves rock walls, and here was a 45-footer with her name on it. She's always liked these things, but I've never seen the appeal. They looked hard to me, and like a whole lotta no-fun with heights involved. But Saturday, I was ready. I saw how much fun the girls were having, and I was gonna do it. I was harnessing the new me. LIterally.

I got over halfway up the wall before I realized what I'd done. Then I looked up at the top. And then I looked down at the ground, and again, I couldn't move. I didn't want to go any higher, but I didn't want to let go and let the harness bring me down. Who just up and lets go of a wall they're gripping 'till their knuckles bleed three stories in the air? I mean, seriously, who DOES that? My kid does that, but she wasn't behind me telling me what to do. She was over standing in line for her second turn on the zip line, so I slowly scaled back DOWN the wall lest I succumb to a very slow, 25-foot, hydraulically-assisted "fall."

She had held a place in the front of the zip line line for me. Me, her new-born Adventure Mom! She'd even been holding a pulley for me, which is admirable since they weigh about 10 pounds. She hadn't seen me freeze on the wall, and it wasn't until that moment that I noticed the kids zipping above me. They seemed to be dropping a bit as they exited the platform. Wait, how much did they drop...no time to look...up you go, Mom!

Fresh from the wall and wondering how this particular zip line worked - exactly - I found myself again trudging up a huge flight of stairs (this one a narrow, winding metal one, wet and slick from the rain that had just come through) only to emerge 50 feet in the air, wondering how far I was about to fall. I got hooked up again, was told to sit down (imagine sitting on a small platform at the top of a telephone pole hooked up to the phone wire which would carry you over to another telephone pole and down to the ground - somehow) AND PUSH OFF.

Excuse me? Wait. Where did my hands go? Should I hold on to this rope attached to my waist or am I supposed to push off with my hands. What? Kick off with my feet? Wait, what? Some of the kids were dropping. I don't like free-falls. How much of a drop - not much of a drop - what does that mean exactly? There was no pushing off with hands, feet or any other part of my body. I completely froze, again.

This time even hearing Emma behind me was not quite enough. After five minutes of sitting there (and five minutes is a LONG time to sit on an open platform with at least 17 pairs of eyes trained on you) I could not do it. I had to have the guy unhook me from the line. I let Emma and another girl go in front of me. I waited there as two more scouts came and went, and wait, well, they weren't falling THAT much. They kept their hands on the rope. They pushed off with their feet. EVERY OTHER MOM HAD DONE THIS ZIP LINE. Why the heck couldn't I? Then I realized I had a choice to make. Go back down the slick stairwell with a 10 pound pulley in my hands, or zip down like a big girl.

I had him hook me back up. I heard Emma from the ground. "MOM!! It's OK MOM! You can DO it, MOM!!" I heard EVERYONE on the ground cheering me on. I think I may have told them to shut up, I'm not sure. I looked at the guy and literally said, "I can run six miles, why can't I do this?" He said I could do this. Just do it like a Band-Aid. Count down quick, and push off. After a bit more ado, but luckily no tears, I did it. I just did it. I ripped myself off the platform. It didn't drop that much, but I just wanted to get down. I faced my fear. I did what I had to do. I may not have enjoyed it, but I did DO it. SHE can do it, so I can.

No. I did not enjoy that one. It forced me to basically willfully fall off a platform 50 feet in the air. The other one just relied on gravity - no falling or jumping necessary. But, I did it. Emma might enjoy doing it, I don't, and probably won't. But at least I know that I CAN do it. I'm surprising myself - and her - each day by all the new things I find I can do.