Sidelined

There are many reasons to fret about being sick, but I never figured “not getting to run” would be one of them – maybe for crazy folks it might be, but certainly not for me. That’s where I am tonight though, laid up with a particularly nasty late-spring cold wondering if it would just be totally insane for me to go out running tomorrow morning anyway, even though my throat feels like it’s being gripped by a Velociraptor.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and Sam Neil will have come and whisked the Raptor back to Jurassic Park by morning, but at this moment, I’m feeling a little more like Newman right before he missed his ferry. 

I’m hoping for the best though, because, believe it or not, I really like to run. In fact, I more than like it. I love it. I get a real thrill out of pushing myself. I’m disappointed in myself when I fail to reach a daily goal, but the joy I feel when I succeed is indescribable. At this very moment, I’m getting kind of anxious at the prospect of not getting my miles in this week. I haven’t run since Sunday morning, and it’s even making me kind of mad. So yeah, it’s official. I’ve gone a little nuts, but I don’t care. I GET it now.

It is truly possible to enjoy exercise, even if it brings a little pain. The sense of accomplishment you feel after completing some sort of physical challenge is one of the few legal highs in life. For me, now I get that from running. I push myself to run longer and longer distances, little bit by little bit. The exercise now has little to do with weight loss, it's all about the joy of the sport itself, but I found the joy in exercise way before I found my place out on the road. I am not athletic or gifted in any way, so I feel blessed to have recognized that this joy is open to all of us – even us SuperSpazzes.

The key is to start small, and have a goal. 

In order to accomplish anything, you have to set goals for yourself, big and small. If you reward yourself as you meet the small goals  (there's no better excuse to splurge on a new handbag, pair of shoes or new clothes) you'll be more motivated to reach the next one and the next one and then the next one. You'll also be less likely to give in and give up when you get "sidelined" by illness or plateaus or set backs or days when you make poorer choices (I've had a few of those myself, lately).

During my weight loss journey, I set a series of 5 and 10 pound mini-goals all with the end goal of that elusive magic number - the one I'm still chasing. I've had the pleasure of changing the magic number a few times as well - moving it down and down again as I met goals and wanted to go further. It's been over a year now, and the magic number's the last one to go. Honestly, I've seen it (the current and probably final one) a few times...just not on my weigh-in day! But that just inspires me to try that much harder.

Exercise goals are no different. I did not start out saying, "I'm going to run a half-marathon" or even "I'm going to start running." Running wasn't even on my radar. I have great respect for all of you Couch to 5K (C25K) folks out there because I had no intentions of running. I got winded just running to the bathroom, so I just figured I'd walk. It would be good for me and good for the dog.

My first exercise goals all centered around simple quick walking. I'd walk anywhere from 1.5 to 3.5 miles (depending upon how much time I had and what the weather was doing) 3-4 times a week. My goal was to get at least 1/2 hour of walking in 4 times a week. Any more than that was just gravy. And that's all I did for a couple of months.

But walking, like running, is kind of weather-dependent. Whereas now, if it's raining, I head inside and hoof it on the "dreadmill" or the elliptical machine, when I couldn't get outside to walk I relied on my old friend, Leslie Sansone. If you have not heard of Leslie Sansone and her "Walk At Home" program, consider this your lucky day. I am an absolute fan of Leslie. I would love to meet her someday, but I'm sure I'd make an absolute fool of myself. The woman's truly changed my life. I'd probably say something ridiculous and start blubbering and be too embarassed to let my husband take my picture with her (or maybe I'm describing my first encounter with Chris Isaak...). Anyway...

I started using her DVDs back in 2003 during my first big weight loss endeavor. I had hit a huge plateau, and when I started using these DVDs, the scale started moving in the right direction again, so I was immediately hooked. I don't even remember how I got turned on to her. It seriously may have been an infomercial, I'm not sure. I know I didn't order any of her products off an infomercial or QVC; you can just as easily find them at Target, WalMart, Best Buy or anywhere else they sell fitness DVDs. She's everywhere - and with good reason.

The Walk At Home DVDs are appropriate for folks at ALL fitness levels. Leslie Sansone is extremely positive, upbeat and totally non-threatening. She's kind of the Anti-Jillian. There are even a few Christian-inspired DVDs that use gospel music. I totally love this program and use it in addition to my running still today. The woman does NOT pay me to say any of this (let's see, free endorsements for Spanx AND Walk At Home...somebody owes me a kickback!); like I said, I'd freak if I ever even met her, but if you are interested in seeing what I'm talking about, check out http://www.walkathome.com/.

But after a couple of months of what I called "cardio-walking," I began to think I wasn't working hard enough. I had more energy, and I needed to use it - I also needed to bust a plateau. So, I convinced my husband to let us join a gym. We had enjoyed our old gym, and this new one was HUGE and had great facilities for kids. It would be wonderful! I could take the kids after school. We could get in some exercise as a family. We could eat together in the fancy healthy cafe. Emma could enjoy the rock wall. I could use the cardio machines and maybe even take a few classes. Jeff could use the lap pool. Oh, the hot tub was just amazing! And it was all very fun and exciting and family-friendly until...

When next we read again - potty training and kid-care at the gym...a good mix? Discuss...

Keep on trying for what you're trying for, Friends!

TTYL - Ali

I Can Because SHE Can

This weekend I had a moment of clarity. I realized I’ve learned more from my ten year-old daughter than she may ever learn from me. I know I had originally planned to discuss easing into exercise in this post, but thanks to my sparkling little girl, I have something more inspiring to share.

My daughter is everything I was not as a child. She is adventurous. She is fearless, and she is extremely self-confident. Emma does things without hesitation - now, at ten - that I am only beginning to find the courage to try. I am grateful to her for the example she’s set for me, and I am proud to be her mom. Because she is part of ME, I know that somewhere inside me lies a really spirited, confident girl. All I have to do is let go of my fear, and let her out. Emma’s boundless energy was the inspiration for my first large weight loss in 2003, now her enthusiasm and encouragement are pushing me to finish what I’ve started and finally find the me I want to be.

Many of my friends know that Emma and I are blessed to be part of a very active Girl Scout troop. Dogwood Service Unit Troop 10365 has been together since the girls were in kindergarten. Now that they are in fourth grade, we’ve had five years of fun with these ladies. We’ve watched them grow and change and have tried our hardest to give them exciting opportunities both to learn and to just have fun, and for the past four years, along with other field trips and outings, like good Girl Scouts, we’ve taken them “camping.”

***“Camping” – as defined by Girl Scout Troop 10365 (and me) ***

"Camping" is traveling to a place where most activities are performed in The Great Outdoors. Sleeping bags are required but will be placed atop a mattress (of some sort) on a bunk in some kind of cabin or lodge, preferably air-conditioned, but not necessarily. EXCELLENT“camping” experiences require that staff members (not Girl Scout Leaders or other mothers) be on hand to prepare (and clean up) any and all meals and build the fire required for the nightly bonfire and oh-so-necessary s’mores consumption. If staff members are on hand to plan and lead activities – all the better.

So yeah, sleeping in tents on the solid ground and pottying behind a tree is not our idea of a good time, but you can still commune with Mother Nature and get your Outdoor Adventure Girl on while enjoying a few of the comforts of home. The first year we went "camping," all the leaders (myself included) got a raging case of poison ivy from crawling under a tree that had fallen in the woods. Yeah, that was awesome. Outdoor adventure at its finest.

This past weekend’s “camping” experience, however, was more than awesome. It was inspiring – at least to me (and hopefully to a few of our girls). I do have to preface this by saying that we took the girls to what has to be the NICEST “camp” I have ever visited, and I’ve been to a few. Victory Ranch not only provides summer camp experiences for children but also plays host to various corporate retreats and group events such as ours. One does not “rough it” at Victory Ranch, but one has one heck of a good time!

There’s a waterslide and a “blob” and other fun activities down by the lake. They have a pool and horses and a number of ropes courses and countless other amenities stretching over their beautiful 500 acre property. It is a place to visit if you enjoy outdoor fun, or if you have an adventurous side – which I do not, but my daughter does. This place is right up her alley. The camp motto is “Krateo” meaning: “Hold On!” There’s a reason for that.

I'm usually not keen on the "camping" experiences. It's just never been my thing, but this year was different. This year, I went to “camp” with a lot of confidence. I felt a lot better about myself and my abilities than I ever have in the past. I was ready to jump in there, to participate and be an encouraging example to the girls. I even brought my bathing suit! I was the only mom to don one and jump in the lake with the kids (at 9:30 AM in the 50 degree, overcast, windy weather – the water was warmer than the air)! Granted, I got a massive case of the teeth-chattering chills, but despite that, I even zoomed down the waterslide.

That's not me. That's Emma. She'd been the first one in line. She made it look fun, so why shouldn’t I give it a try? It was fun! In fact, it was downright exhilarating! Although it may seem second nature to many, just this water-front activity is more than I would’ve dared do a year ago. I didn’t do it as a kid, so doing it all as an adult is foreign territory.

But that same kid who made the waterslide look fun also made the Zip-N-Dip look cool, too. That’s the zip line that starts about 10-15 feet above the waterslide and sends riders out across the lake, finishing in the water in front of the man-made beach. I’ve never ridden a zip line before, but I figured the harness could hold me now. I wouldn’t look like a TOTAL idiot. If the kid can do it, I can, right? It didn’t look that high – from the ground.

Oh, did I mention that I am terrified of heights? No? Yes. I am, and I do not use the word “terror” lightly. There is “fear,” and there is “terror.” They are NOT the same thing. I have been in situations before where my TERROR of heights has rendered me truly motionless. Granted, that happened when I was a teenager, but I have simply avoided such situations since then. I do not ride roller coasters that send you straight up, straight down or upside down. I abhor the sensation of falling, even a little. I mean, I’m not a total dud -I love anything that spins or goes really fast (or spins really fast – I LOVE THAT!). But I do NOT “do” heights or drops. Just thinking about it’s making me queasy even now.

So suddenly, I found myself in a harness, carrying a huge pulley on a rope up and up and up and up and up and up this rickety, swaying flight of wooden stairs. I was already shivering from the cold, so I figured no one noticed just how nervous I truly was as I stepped out onto the platform. Then this cute young guy named Frank hooked me up to the line, told me to sit down into the harness, counted backwards from three, opened a little door and said, “OK, pick your feet up and off you GO!” My feet went nowhere.

Motionless, I stared out over the water at the other moms over on the beach. I tried not to look down. I asked myself what my problem was. The kids are doing it! Girl, you can run six miles in an hour now…what’s the big deal with this? Feet still weren’t moving. Frank said, “You’ve already done the hardest part just sitting down. This happens all the time, but I promise, it’s gonna be ok. Just pick your feet up and off you'll go.” My mind knew he was right, but the bod, she still wasn’t moving.

Then I hear Emma behind me. She’d come back up for her third turn. I hear her excited voice that sounds a lot like mine saying, “Mom. Mom, are you OK? Mom? It’s OK. It’s great. There’s no drop, I promise! It’s AWESOME! It’s fun! Just let go, you’ll love it!! You can do it, Mom! I know you can.” Then I remembered what I’d told myself back down on the ground, “Your kid can do it. You can do it.” I looked over at Emma and said, “You know what, Baby Girl? You’re right.” The feet lifted, and off I went.

If it wasn’t for the prospect of getting wet and then starting the whole shivering thing all over again, I would’ve done that zip line again and again and again. She was right. It WAS awesome!

The next one? Eh, not so much.

By that afternoon, I figured I had this adventure thing licked. I was ready to tackle whatever Victory Ranch had to throw at me (provided there were no free-falls). I was telling my other mom friends how great the zip line was and how they should do it. I was trying to encourage some of the more timid girls (younger versions of me) to build their confidence by trying something new. “If I can do it, you can do it! I totally understand. I’m terrified of this stuff!!”

So when we got suited up for the three-faced rock wall and looked up at the hydraulic zip line, 50 feet in the air, I had no fear. I was excited. Emma and I were on an adventure together, and we were going to kick butt!!

SHE kicked butt. SHE was fantastic! She climbed that wall like a pint-sized Peter Parker. This was the thing she'd been waiting for. The girl loves rock walls, and here was a 45-footer with her name on it. She's always liked these things, but I've never seen the appeal. They looked hard to me, and like a whole lotta no-fun with heights involved. But Saturday, I was ready. I saw how much fun the girls were having, and I was gonna do it. I was harnessing the new me. LIterally.

I got over halfway up the wall before I realized what I'd done. Then I looked up at the top. And then I looked down at the ground, and again, I couldn't move. I didn't want to go any higher, but I didn't want to let go and let the harness bring me down. Who just up and lets go of a wall they're gripping 'till their knuckles bleed three stories in the air? I mean, seriously, who DOES that? My kid does that, but she wasn't behind me telling me what to do. She was over standing in line for her second turn on the zip line, so I slowly scaled back DOWN the wall lest I succumb to a very slow, 25-foot, hydraulically-assisted "fall."

She had held a place in the front of the zip line line for me. Me, her new-born Adventure Mom! She'd even been holding a pulley for me, which is admirable since they weigh about 10 pounds. She hadn't seen me freeze on the wall, and it wasn't until that moment that I noticed the kids zipping above me. They seemed to be dropping a bit as they exited the platform. Wait, how much did they drop...no time to look...up you go, Mom!

Fresh from the wall and wondering how this particular zip line worked - exactly - I found myself again trudging up a huge flight of stairs (this one a narrow, winding metal one, wet and slick from the rain that had just come through) only to emerge 50 feet in the air, wondering how far I was about to fall. I got hooked up again, was told to sit down (imagine sitting on a small platform at the top of a telephone pole hooked up to the phone wire which would carry you over to another telephone pole and down to the ground - somehow) AND PUSH OFF.

Excuse me? Wait. Where did my hands go? Should I hold on to this rope attached to my waist or am I supposed to push off with my hands. What? Kick off with my feet? Wait, what? Some of the kids were dropping. I don't like free-falls. How much of a drop - not much of a drop - what does that mean exactly? There was no pushing off with hands, feet or any other part of my body. I completely froze, again.

This time even hearing Emma behind me was not quite enough. After five minutes of sitting there (and five minutes is a LONG time to sit on an open platform with at least 17 pairs of eyes trained on you) I could not do it. I had to have the guy unhook me from the line. I let Emma and another girl go in front of me. I waited there as two more scouts came and went, and wait, well, they weren't falling THAT much. They kept their hands on the rope. They pushed off with their feet. EVERY OTHER MOM HAD DONE THIS ZIP LINE. Why the heck couldn't I? Then I realized I had a choice to make. Go back down the slick stairwell with a 10 pound pulley in my hands, or zip down like a big girl.

I had him hook me back up. I heard Emma from the ground. "MOM!! It's OK MOM! You can DO it, MOM!!" I heard EVERYONE on the ground cheering me on. I think I may have told them to shut up, I'm not sure. I looked at the guy and literally said, "I can run six miles, why can't I do this?" He said I could do this. Just do it like a Band-Aid. Count down quick, and push off. After a bit more ado, but luckily no tears, I did it. I just did it. I ripped myself off the platform. It didn't drop that much, but I just wanted to get down. I faced my fear. I did what I had to do. I may not have enjoyed it, but I did DO it. SHE can do it, so I can.

No. I did not enjoy that one. It forced me to basically willfully fall off a platform 50 feet in the air. The other one just relied on gravity - no falling or jumping necessary. But, I did it. Emma might enjoy doing it, I don't, and probably won't. But at least I know that I CAN do it. I'm surprising myself - and her - each day by all the new things I find I can do.

Patience, Grasshopper...

I am writing this one as much for me as for anyone else out there...I need a little motivation to stay the course myself this week. Even after a year on this path, I still have days where it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel or find satisfaction in the goals I've already achieved.

Or, could it be that the Easter Bunny - who looks a lot like me, incidentally, and was very hungry and starved of treats when she went shopping at WalMart - brought entirely too much of my favorite candy into our house, and it's sitting there in the pantry, tempting me each day? Seems it was actually easier to have to say, "Nah, I can't have that. I gave it up for Lent," and walk away. Stupid Bunny. Lent's over, and there the candy sits...waiting.

"Good things come to those who wait," right? There is wisdom in that old saying. Weight loss and change DO take time - a lot of time, but "to wait" is a passive activity. There's nothing passive about weight loss. It takes ACTION both physical and mental. So STEP ONE: DECIDE TO ACT.

I promised that in this post I would begin to chronicle how I took action and began this year of change. I am hoping that I've gone about it the right way, and that because it has taken so much time to see and feel success that I will have long lasting results. But even now - after over a year of hard work and lifestyle change - I'm still not seeing that magic number I'd like to see (I'm close, but gosh, I wonder if I'll really be satisfied when I do). I have faith that eventually I will; I just have to be patient, keep active, and stay the course.

So what did I do? Okay, the first thing I did after Easter last year was to decide that nine pounds was not as much weight as I wanted to lose, but it was enough to motivate me to lose more. Again, I decided to ACT. I decided to commit to - something, but what?

I know myself pretty well, and I knew I would never be successful with anything that forced me to totally give up the things I love (that's how I end up with a pantry full of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs the week after Easter). But seriously, where's the fun in that? I have a passion for baking and a love of sweets, and as a family we eat a heck of a lot of pizza. These are things I either couldn't change or didn't have any desire to (and I still don't). I wanted to do something that would teach me to "budget" and live within my means, dietarily speaking. I'd tried a number of diets in the past, and frankly I'd had a lot of success with Weight Watchers Online in 2003, but I didn't want to go that route. I wasn't into counting points (at that time), but I knew I needed some kind of program and some sort of accountability.

See, I've been down this road before. What that little bio blub over to the right does not tell you is that three or four months after the birth of my daughter in 2000, I weighed in at 208 pounds. At the end of 2002 I was back around 190, but for obvious reasons I wasn't happy with that, so my New Year's resolution for 2003 was to "lose weight." I had no specific goal in mind, but I was motivated. I had a small child and an active life, and I needed energy to keep up with them. I worked long hours and didn't have time for any kind of meetings, and I didn't want to eat any crazy, expensive, packaged foods, so I joined Weight Watchers Online and instantly loved it. It "clicked for me" just like the slogan says. I also started exercising at home in the mornings; then my husband and I joined a local gym. I would get up very early in the morning, head over there, work out and be back before he and my daughter were even awake. I was a little obsessed, but I got pretty fit. By May of '03, I was down to 150 and had never felt better in my life. But because I'd gotten out of the exercise habit and then had another baby, here I was - basically back at square one. 

I didn't want to start out doing Weight Watchers again, though. In the interim, I'd rejoined again a couple of times, and WW is one of those things where you're either really into it, or you're just not. If you're really into it and can commit to counting points and tracking - you WILL succeed. No doubt about it. I rejoined again after this past Christmas (more about that in later posts), and am totally "all-in," but that was after months of success on "my" plan. I guess I hadn't been motivated enough any of those other times because I just couldn't commit. After Easter last year, I didn't want to start somewhere with the potential to fail, so I designed a program of my own.

I did learn a few things from my previous success that carried forward though:

A: Weight loss is all about calories in versus calories out. You've got to take in fewer calories than you burn. At the heart of it, it's that simple.

B. To burn calories, you have to put down the Dibs, get off the sofa, and exercise. Again, it's that simple.

C. Low and slow is the way to go. Slow and steady wins the race. Good things come to those who wait. Patience, Grasshopper... In other words, to do it right, it's going to to take some time - a lot of time. Accept that now, and you're ahead of the game.

But how you go about that is up to you. I did a little internet research and found this site: http://www.fitwatch.com/ They have a wealth of information including a very useful calorie deficit calculator.

To begin with, I took what I learned from this site and channelled my inner-nerd. I knew from my previous WW experience that food-journaling was key to my weight-loss success. I had also determined (from my visits to Fitwatch and other similar sites) what kind of calorie-deficit I would need to create in order to start really losing weight without starving myself or totally giving up my treats. I sat down at my kitchen counter and created an Excel spreadsheet that served for the next few months as my journal and as my weekly calorie-counting calculator.

At first, that was all I worried about - calories in versus calories out, and I journaled each and every thing I put in my mouth and each and every minute I spent exercising each and every day (except when we went on vacation - again, discussions for later posts). I still do this. I can't imagine NOT doing this. EVER. When I don't do it, the only person I'm cheating is me, so why the heck would I not do this? It's the only thing that keeps me on track and within my dietary "budget," and now, a year later - it's just a force of habit. Only now I do it on my iPhone.

If you are fortunate enough to have an iPhone (and maybe it's available for some of the other smartphones, too) there's a FREE app called "LoseIt" which does everything my homemade spreadsheet did and is very convenient. You can find the calorie count of nearly every food out there, especially at major restaurant chains, and many of them are even pre-programmed into this app. Same thing with exercise (negative calories, YAY!!). If you can get the app - get it. Use it. It can change your life. However, if you can't get the app, feel free to email me. I created a generic version of my Excel spreadsheet that I'd love to share with anyone who's interested. Again, you can find the calorie count of just about every food or exercise on the planet here on the worldwide web, so if you're motivated to get going, there are plenty of resources out there to help you get started.

Creating and faithfully using the spreadsheet (or the app) was the first thing I did, but it wasn't the only thing. It seems each week I tweaked my plan and added something new. Next time, we'll discuss the dreaded "E" word. Yes, you have to exercise. No, it does not have to suck.